The Anniversary!

Last night my computer wasn't really processing anything. Every time I started any application software other than Explorer, it gave away like a malnourished farmer from Vidarbha. Obviously you can't do much in such a situation, particularly when the time is 2 o'clock in the morning. As a result I just opened my blog and started browsing through. I was astonished to find that the last post is almost 3 years old and that all posts together add up to about 57 or 58!

It's been three years since I blogged for the first time ever. It will be foolish of me to say that I have never re read my own works. Call me an egotist if you want to but frankly no one's work gives me more pleasure than my own. I have read and re read and enjoyed several of these pieces over time. Sometimes they have thrilled me, sometimes I have been amazed at my own thoughts some time back and wondered, "Am I really the one who wrote this? Can I really write so well?" Sometimes the sheer beauty in language has amazed me. Frankly, most of the times I myself don't believe these are my own thoughts, my own language and my own words.

The story of my Radha in "Price of Innocence" still brings tears to my eyes; When I read "The Purpose of Life" I feel like worshipping the person who has written it. Its just so beautiful! There are very few things so well thought and so well expressed as that one! There are times when I feel may be I can write one of these things better now, things like "Being Great.." which happens to be my first post ever but I always control that desire. I want to keep them as they are, untouched. The reason is somewhere I think this blog is a record of my journey, of my evolution as a person and I want to appear as confused and as purile as I was in every part of it when it was written.

When a person writes something, the words he uses and the structure of his sentences speak volumes about the state of mind that he is in. When I look at older pieces, I find they have tiresomely long sentences. In fact the entire first paragraph from "Being Great.." is one sentence! They show how confused I am and how many thoughts are dancing in my mind while writing that one sentence. It shows that the person thinks too much.

The writing is, I believe, now more evolved. The sentences are short, the ideas, though less complicated, are now more structured. I still don't believe I have learned to express them better though. In fact, sometimes I feel my account in the word bank is coming to an end. May be I must get back to my newspapers and magazines and build it once more. I am not as emotional about my ideas as I used to be. As a result, an idea is no more a passion. It has become merely something that needs to be put down for its better understanding. I don't think it is either good or bad for me. It is not good because if I don't feel something strongly, I won't be able to express it strongly. But at the same time, not being emotional about it means it is clearer. It is more about the thought than the emotion. So its not bad either.

My journey of blogging has taken me in search of several answers. Posts here represent my quest about erstwhile questions in my mind and my erstwhile attempts to find my own answers to them. I will never say they are right or wrong. They are my answers, that is all!

I have tried to answer several quests from Greatness, Life, God, Love to the economic disparity between the Urban and Rural India. I have tried to show things like Child Marriages and the plight of Women in India as it has affected me with my Urban-Rural Background. What I will do next, I do not know.

Obviously there are regrets. The first being that I have never been able to write anything funny. May be I don't have that kind sense of humour and sarcasm but that doesn't take away the regret. Some time, Some day I will write something tummy wrenchingly hilarious. The next one isn't really a regret. It is mere misunderstanding between me and my readers. Some people accuse me of being a cynic. Of being difficult with ideas, their and mine an of drawing conclusions which suit me through their behaviour. These people find me difficult to deal with. They believe I always take a view which suits my existing bias or I try to bend my experience for my own selfish interest.

I will not say they are wrong. May be their way of putting it to me is wrong. I will say that I am difficult with ideas because I go too deep into them. I am difficult with people and their behaviour because I go too deep in trying to bring out a meaning out of it. May be the questions that occur to me as a result make me difficult, may be the fact they cannot answer my questions all the time makes me take a view, as is natural, to suit my biases.

I know it is an abrupt end, but this really was an extempore! So thanks for all the support with comments and emails. So far, so long!

Keep Blogging!
Prince